I'm Not Sure I Like Your People
Jim Clements · Tidal Church Moncton · April 2, 2023 · Dear Church, I Like You, But... series
Jim Clements teaches from Matthew 18:15-21 on resolving conflict the way Jesus taught: talk face to face, listen well, and lead with grace. He also challenges us to use our spoken and typed words to point people toward Jesus.
More from Jim Clements · The Dear Church, I Like You, But... series
Topics: Forgiveness, Relationships, Mission & Outreach
Transcript
[0:00] Well, good morning, everyone. I want to make sure that I take the opportunity to invite you to Good Friday service. There is, it is such an incredible day, Good Friday is for us to honor the greatest sacrifice that was ever made for our freedom, so that we could find the freedom in Christ that comes as a result of that sacrifice. I would invite you to be here Friday at 10:30 a.m. to join with us as we have a great time of worship and sharing together. Today is also Palm Sunday, and you've heard that already, but it's also a time when we think about what is happening next after Good Friday. When you look at Palm Sunday, we go from, I've got a picture for you, and in John 12, it says, "The next day the great crowd that had come for the festival heard that Jesus was on His way to Jerusalem.
[0:58] They took palm branches and went out to meet Him, shouting, 'Hosanna! Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord! Blessed is the King of Israel!'" And then but a few short days later, we see pictures, and no pictures like this. That in Luke 23, it says, "Wanting to release Jesus, Pilate appealed to them again. But they kept shouting, 'Crucify Him! Crucify Him!' For the third time he spoke to them, 'Why? What crime has this man committed? I have found in Him no grounds for the death penalty. Therefore I will have Him punished and then release Him.' But with loud shouts they insistently demanded that He be crucified, and their shouts prevailed.
[1:48] So Pilate decided to grant their demand. He released the man who had been thrown into prison for insurrection and murder, the one they asked for, and surrendered Jesus to their will." So on this Palm Sunday, in the series Dear Church, I Like You, But..., we look at the history of celebrating Jesus. The people that were there, and in a few short days later, these people yelling, "Crucify Him, crucify Him." So today's sermon topic is, church, I like you, but I'm not sure about your people. A lot of times the way that we engage with other people is very important in how they see Christ, how they see the church, how they see a faith journey, or even how we go through reconciliation or resolving different conflicts that we have.
[2:44] So the sermon today is birthed out of Matthew 18, verses 15 through 17 and 18 through 21. Let me read this to you. "If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church, and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would pagans or tax collectors." And then we jump down. Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me?
[3:30] Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but 77 times." A lot of times in the church, we can't figure out how to resolve conflict, and in some cases we may be the ones that cause the conflict. In a previous context where I was, and, you know, I changed the names to protect the innocent, or maybe not so innocent. So Fred and George, in a previous context when I was new in this church, decided they had a conflict that they wanted to resolve, and they wanted to meet with me as the new executive pastor and solve this conflict. I sat in my office and I watched eight people walk in through the door and bring chairs, because they knew I only had two chairs. I was like, "What is about to happen up in here?"
[4:23] And I immediately said, "Why are you here?" "Well, I'm here to support this person so they can hear what they heard, what you said. So they know what you said was the same thing that I heard that they heard." And this went on as I went through the eight people other than the two people I was expecting, or the six people other than two I was expecting. And I said, "This is what we're going to do. Fred and George are going to stay, and the rest of you are leaving," and I kicked them all out of my office. And I sat down with Fred and George and I said, "This is the way we're going to do it. You're gonna tell me why you're mad at George, and then, George, you're gonna tell me why you're mad at Fred, and then we're gonna figure this out." I'm not gonna tell you what their age is, just to protect them also.
[5:08] And so Fred begins to tell me that George left him a voicemail, or, uh, a message on his answering machine, that he didn't really like, that really upset him and got him so mad that he can't even, like, talk to him anymore. And I said, "Great. What did the message say?" "I don't remember." I'm like, "You've got to be kidding me. What was it about, like, generally, not like in detail?" And he's like, "I really don't remember, but it made me mad." I'm like, "All right, pause. Fred, George, did you leave him a message on his answer machine?" "Yes."
[5:54] "What was the message you left him on the answer machine?" "I don't remember." And I'm like, "But he's mad at whatever it was you left, and he doesn't remember, and you don't remember. Are you mad at him, George?" "Oh yeah, I'm mad at him." "Why are you mad at him?" "Well, I left the message on the answer machine while I was mad at him." "But, George, he doesn't remember what was on the answer machine, and you don't remember the message you left." "Yeah, but I'm still mad." Can you see where this goes? And I'm telling, I'm the executive pastor, and I'm going, "I don't even know if I like Christians anymore," right? Because we get mad at each other and we don't even remember half the time why we're mad at each other, or it's not even a good reason to be mad at each other.
[6:45] But we're willing to hold on to why we're mad because I know it made me mad at some point in time. And I didn't even dare ask how long ago the message was left. Here's the old-fashioned communication model. I call it old-fashioned because I don't think anyone uses it anymore. You have a sender. You have a receiver. Pretty easy, right? Now, I'm the sender. You're the receiver. My brain is encoding things for me to say based on what I've got in front of me and what I remember, and then you're decoding it as it's coming to you, and then you're gonna have a response or feedback that gets encoded and decoded by me as it happens, whether I'm seeing a reflection of your cell phone on your face, or you're half asleep, or you're smiling. Those are all things, but in between when that communication is going on, there's noise. There might be people moving, there might be people coughing, there might be anything, and it's noise and it distracts everything. And so therefore you can never be sure what you really hear all the time, but we do hold on to things instead of just asking people.
[7:48] Hey, was I supposed to take this way? And I'll give you a perfect example. This is not even in here for me this week. Sorry. Oh, I have a little cough. I've been struggling with, so I'll have to turn off and on and hopefully not blow your ears by forgetting to turn it off at some point in time. This is the way I operate. I thought I had a great night and everything was going well. I was here in the office, had all kinds of interactions that everybody had. Board meeting. It was good. And then when I was leaving, I just saw something. I went, huh? I wonder if that person's upset at me. You know what? I did. It's late at night. I didn't call them. I waited till the next morning. And I went and found that person and I said, hey, I watched this last night.
[8:35] And I kind of thought maybe you were mad at me, but I don't want to read that into and interpret it without you telling me that you were mad at me. And they went, absolutely not. Awesome. Great. That's how you handle one-on-one conflict. If you feel it, you go talk to the person that you feel you have it with. Give them the chance before you get all kinds of stuff fed into your mind that the enemy is going to use. We got to stop arguing and start caring. Is where we really have to be as people. We need to be the light in a dark and lonely world. And so here's an acronym that's easy for you to remember, with the word LIGHT: Living in Grace, Hope, and Truth. Living in Grace, Hope, and Truth, when we are the light. There are three concerns in society today within Canada. I can't speak for the US. They can speak for themselves. But these are the top three things that people are concerned with today.
[9:35] Toxic relationships or interactions, anxiety, and loneliness. And I think we can all understand why. I'd love to be able to handle every one of these this morning, but there is no way there's enough time, unless we want to order and skip the dishes and I'll have lunch here together. All people, though, do experience conflict. I'll take the top one, toxic relationships and interactions. We have conflict at home, conflict at work, conflict at play. We even have conflict here at the church. And sometimes we get into arguments because of those conflicts. We don't know how to handle it well, and most of the times we don't do very well.
[10:20] So let me ask you this question. When you're in a conflict, you're arguing. Are you arguing to be right? Are you arguing to understand the other person? Are you arguing to be right, or are you arguing to understand? Matthew 18. Jesus gives us a great template for dealing when we feel someone has wronged us. Our flesh, though, outside of that scripture, wants to get back at them, once they've hurt them like they hurt us. We want to gossip, and usually when we gossip, we usually set ourselves up, or whoever we choose to be the victim, and not the truth that's within the story. We take it beyond the two that's involved.
[11:06] Are we just plain done? I just cut them off and never deal with it again. Now let me pause. I got to pause here for a second to offer a disclaimer. I know that there's circumstances that we can find ourselves in that are very harmful. And I want to acknowledge that, and in no way, shape, or form am I suggesting that if you find yourself in a harmful situation that you should subject yourself to further harm by practicing this. All right, so we got to make sure that we're in safe environments and we're doing this. We also have to understand, as Pastor Marc taught us a few weeks ago, that the expectation in Scripture is upon those who follow Jesus and accepted Him as their Savior, and we believe the Scriptures that we read are what should govern our life. And so it's harder than when it deals with people outside that are unbelievers.
[11:58] But I will say this. That Matthew 18 is a great principle that works anywhere, inside or outside the church, and therefore I am a true believer. I don't know if the business world would agree with this, but the Bible holds some of the most incredible business models for operating any business or personnel or any interactions within the world, that we have lessons within there that we can implement within the business as well as within church. All right, let me get back to where I was. Jesus doesn't say when we get hurt, they get even or to strike back. Instead, He lays out the process that we read, Matthew 18:15. If your brother or sister sins, go out and point out their fault just between the two of you.
[12:44] If they listen to you, then you won them over. For me, what happens in my past when I've had situations that I have, people that show up at my door and they go, we got a disagreement. And I go, did you spend any time together talking about it? Because if the two of you step in this office, I'm gonna make a decision, and someone's going to go away unhappy. But if the two of you leave and you go figure it out yourself, then both you'll be happy, and probably about 80% of the time they turn around and walk out of my office and never come in. Which is the way it's supposed to be. Gisèle and I, when we were raising our kids, we really wanted them to learn to solve conflict themselves. And so what we did is, when they would have a disagreement, we would sit them on the floor, facing each other six feet apart. You have to sit, you can't lie down. You can't touch the other one, and they can't touch you. You can't touch anything else. You can't play with anything. You can't do anything, and you're not allowed to get up until you both solve your problem together and understand why and how you solved it.
[13:49] And that's what we did. Because now if you don't teach your kids how to solve conflict, then they go through the things that we talked about earlier. The one thing we do want to check when we get in conflict is, we want to check our hearts, our spirit, and our attitude. Because if your attitude's not right, it's not the time to go into it. Matthew 5:5 gives us a good place to start. It says, "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." It just means putting aside yourself justification to bring yourself to a point of wanting to respect and look for the facts within something that hurt you and hopefully gain a perspective. It doesn't mean submitting to further abuse or for further harmfulness.
[14:39] It just means that possibly your perspective may not be universal and that you're open to resolution. And sometimes it resolves the conflict, but sometimes it doesn't. Matthew 18:16, it gives us the next steps, if you remember. "But if they do not listen, take one or two along, so that every matter can be established by a testimony of two or three." The fallback at a second step is to ask people that you both know to go with you to take up that same issue. There's, I will be honest, that there's sometimes in my life, I have injected myself in the situations because I feel like God has put me there specifically.
[15:28] But before I tell you that story or a story from there, I want to say, when you have that conflict, you both have to agree on the mediator or the mediators that are going to sit with you, because they have both of your care and heart for them. The time that I injected myself into a situation where two people were in disagreement was in a marriage. And I walked in one day to my office. And I only say this so if God puts you in this place, and you feel and sense the Holy Spirit telling you that you need to be the mediator, and now then you do this. This gentleman has passed on since, and he and his wife had separated, and I came across them as I was coming to church that morning, and he was pretty down from his normal upbeat self.
[16:17] And so I said to him, "What happened?" And he said, "My wife moved out last night." And I was blown away. They've been married for decades. And I was like, "Come on, come on in my office." And we walked into the parking lot, walked into my office. And sat down, and I said, "What's her cell phone number?" He goes, "What? What's her cell phone number?" And he told it to me, so I called her. And I said, "Hey, I'm sitting here with your husband." I wouldn't use names. I'm just trying to... I said, "I'm sitting here with your husband. He just told me you moved out last night. Is that true?" And she said yes. And I said, "Well, so what time do you get off?" She goes, "Four o'clock." I said, "Can you be at my office by 4:30?"
[17:04] And she said yes, and I said, "I want to meet with both of you, and I'm gonna have Gisèle join us. Is that okay with both of you?" And they said, "Yeah, 4:30." We were all sitting in a room. And this is sometimes, it's hard. I'm just trying to teach you, right? You need to know these situations when they come up. And I said, "This is the way it's gonna work. I'm going to let your wife speak first. And I don't want to hear you grunt, moan, breathe, move, nothing. Don't even shift in the chair." And I said, "Now I'm gonna let you speak, and I don't want to hear you make any sounds or movements or any kind of stuff." And we sat there and we did that, and through that conversation of removing the noise in their life, they found out that what she was doing to keep what she thought made him happy, he was going along with it because he thought it made her happy, but neither one of them really wanted to do it.
[18:07] Now isn't that crazy? And they're about to cash in their whole marriage over it. They got up when I pointed that out and hugged each other and went and got her stuff moved back in, and they were married until the day he passed. That's how conflict gets resolved. Conflict is not meant to be run from. It's meant to be dealt with in the proper way that God outlines it for us. And even then, if they don't do it, the scripture tells us in Matthew 18:17, if they still refuse to listen, tell the church, and if they refuse to listen to the church, treat them as you would pagans or tax collectors. This is addressing, as this goes through again, like I said, specifically church members, church attendees, and those that follow Christ and His teachings.
[19:01] But it still works in everyday life at the same time. And I've had situations where I've had a church person called out by a business person who was an unbeliever that had a disagreement and said, "Hey, like this," and they're like, "Matthew 18, something in church that you guys all believe and follow," and he said, "I'm willing to go meet with your pastor and let them make the judgment on this whole disagreement we have, if that's good with you." Someone from the outside quoting scripture for conflict resolution versus the person inside just saying, "Right, you gotta figure it out." I've heard people use the last part of the scripture in Matthew 18:17 where it talks about pagans and tax collectors to be a part of a justification for shunning people.
[19:47] But remember the words in the scripture, the words from Jesus. And therefore we should also look at the actions that Jesus has when it comes to these people. So did Jesus treat these folks, the tax collectors and pagans, that He shunned them, that He stayed protected from them? Did He avoid them so sinfulness wouldn't infect Him? No. No, He didn't. Jesus treated pagans and tax collectors, not to mention prostitutes, thieves, and all of the kinds of undesirables, with love, respect, and forgiveness. When He encountered Zacchaeus in Luke 19, He didn't even wait for Zacchaeus to say a word before He invited Himself to come for a meal. And Zacchaeus' declaration of turning his life around was in response to the love that Jesus showed him.
[20:35] Grace came first, then repentance, then forgiveness. But sometimes as the church we get that flipped a little and don't show grace right out front. Jesus continues to show us that His teachings are good practices for life today in every aspect: in the workplace, in life, in school, in families, in friends. When you think about workplaces, the effective resolutions that happen in a lot of workplaces, they send you to do one-on-one to figure it out rather than play it out in front of an audience, which is never pretty. You've probably seen some of those happen. In the age of electronic communication, there are new weapons.
[21:25] These are those new weapons. It's no longer just the words we speak. It's no longer the words we say. It's now what we type, what we post, whatever we put out are the new weapons of today. It only takes putting someone in the CC line of an email or pressing reply all through a conversation that's a simple disagreement. Even when two people try to keep it to themselves, it always finds its way out digitally somehow. So you think when it comes to email or Twitter or Instagram or Facebook, everybody can hide behind the monitor or whatever they want to do, and everybody can be tough, but they just keep stirring up society.
[22:24] There's enough hate in the world already, so that we're not adding to it. We need to persevere over anything that tempts us, the post, say, type, anything that tears other people down. These, all of these digital forms are good uses for information, but not for conversation. They're meant for information, not for conversation. It might be best for us to take Jesus a little literally in Matthew 18:15 when He says, go and point the fault out to them, just the two of you alone, face to face. The face to face is what He's saying.
[23:11] Pointing out the fault though is a two-way street. We've got to be open ourselves to having faults pointed out to us when we're having a conversation in order to bring reconciliation. Jesus mentions listening three times in these scriptures. So I think listening is pretty crucial when it comes to reconciliation, because if we spend time listening instead of flapping our gums, as they say, or maybe they don't even say that anymore, then we might find there's an acceptable resolution that's lying underneath all that's happening. We have a calling as believers and followers of Jesus and His teachings that have changed our life, and that following that calling is in Matthew 28:18-20, and it's Often referred to as the Great Commission.
[24:00] Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to Me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey everything I've commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the ends of the age." Are you an example of this in the life that you're leading? That's what you're doing. I've shared this previously. There's three things that I use before I, that I try to use. We all fail. So let me say that I try to use these every time, and I've shared it with you previously. One, is what you're about to post, say, type, whatever way you want to do it, right?
[24:45] Is it going to bring glory and honor to God? Two, does it increase your favor and influence with others in the mission field where God's placed you for them in the Kingdom? Three, does it help others move one step closer in their relationship or beginning a relationship with Jesus? Those are the three things you should ask yourself before you do anything. I'm going to show you two numbers. Very powerful numbers. I'll read it in a negative way first and a positive way second. Set you up, so you just know. It takes one person to lead thousands away from Jesus, because when we post something, it's not just one person seeing it. When we say it, it's going to go well beyond whatever we say.
[25:42] But do you know what? There's only one way to God. There's thousands of ways to Jesus. Every one of you in here represents a way to Jesus for somebody. But there's only one way to God, and that's through Jesus. There's probably thousands and thousands of ways to Jesus that we have to be responsible for. Remember, both us and God have something in common. And that's we both speak. And words are powerful. What are you saying?
[26:28] Maybe you don't like the Great Commission. Maybe we should have a conversation about it. Maybe you don't want to do ministry. You don't want your life to be a mission field. You don't want any of that interaction. Because ministry is hard, and that kind of life is hard. Well, let me tell you this. Ministry does not limit life, nor is it drudgery, nor is it difficult, nor is it unrewarding. It is, under God, a thrilling, unending, and ever-changing call to a real life. We are called to minister to those around us. But some are worried about their personal kingdom and becoming an earthly king. Charles Spurgeon says, God is calling you to minister, so don't stoop to be a king.
[27:15] I wrote a writing that I want to end with today. And it's called The Power of the Spoken Word. There is one thing for sure that I know: We are different as humans compared to God. But there's one thing that we both have in common. That is, we both speak. God spoke, and He created Earth. God spoke and created oceans and land. God spoke and He created light. God spoke, and He created plants and trees. God spoke and He created animals of the land and water and sky. God spoke, and He created us. When God speaks, it is so. You see, the spoken word is a powerful thing. Let's say it's a gift. Two parts of the body can edify or be damaging.
[28:10] The tongue could speak it to others, and it will last in hearts forever. The fingers can type it too, to many, and it will last not only in hearts but for the world to see forever. I wonder how you're doing. What have you been creating when you speak? What have you been creating when you type, whether it's verbally or digitally? What is your, what has your imprint on it for all to see? When you reflect on what you've done this past week, have you spoken love into a lonely person? Have you spoken hope to a hurting person? Have you spoken positivity into your coworkers, children, spouse, family, or friend? To even a stranger.
[28:56] Have you spoken the word of God over a situation? Have you spoken peace, to calm the storm in someone's life? Have you spoken something uplifting to yourself? You may never stand where I stand and speak, but you do stand in the lives of so many that you do speak into, people who may never hear what they need to hear unless they hear it from you. People you pass by that may just need a hello to know that they've been seen. You are someone's lifeline, called by the King to rescue those who are hurting, called by the King to befriend those who are lonely, called by the King to be the light on a dark pathway, called by the King in brokenness, called by the King. When you speak, when you go to type, when you go to post, think of the power of your words and ask: Am I a spirit of despair, or am I a spirit of hope?
[29:57] Am I a distraction for evil or a child of the King? Am I a pawn of the enemy or a weapon for the kingdom? God is calling you to minister. Please don't stoop to be a king.