How to Forgive Those Who Have Hurt You
Rhoda Sturgeon · Tidal Church Moncton · October 29, 2023 · Check Your Baggage series
Rhoda Sturgeon looks at Matthew 6:14-15 and other Scriptures to show what forgiveness is and is not. Bringing our pain to Jesus and releasing offenders to God brings freedom, while trust is rebuilt wisely and over time.
More from Rhoda Sturgeon · The Check Your Baggage series
Topics: Grace, Forgiveness, Relationships
Transcript
[0:00] Have you ever been hurt by something that someone has said or done to you so badly that you can't escape that pain? Maybe it was somebody really close to you. Maybe it was a best friend, a brother, sister, a parent, boyfriend, or girlfriend. So my name is Rhoda Sturgeon and I'm married to Devon Sturgeon. And together we have five adult children. And, we got married, 10 years ago and we moved to Moncton. And before that, Vaughn and I had been married. We had both been widowed before. So, you could say we had some baggage coming into this marriage for sure.
[0:52] But our time here at Moncton Wesleyan, has been really crucial part of, our lives. 'Cause we've been here for 10 years as well. So, one of the areas that I work in, at the church, is in the area of trauma. And often when we hear the word trauma, we think of war, violence, and abuse. And these are some of the most extreme cases, but trauma is also defined as a wound of the heart and mind, which can take a long time to heal from.
[1:37] So I have a really simple example. And, so when I was a child, we didn't have a lot of money. I needed glasses. My teeth were crooked. I was really chubby. So I got made fun of a lot. But, and I also, had two older brothers and most of my clothes came, were hand-me-downs for my brothers, or sometimes I'd get secondhand clothes from the girls at church. And, so anyways, one cold winter morning, I was, running out to catch the bus and my mom pulled, my hood over my head, and it was my brother's last season's navy blue, coat. And it didn't even close across my chest or hips, and it had this faux fur, which had been thrown in the dryer. And, so it was all shriveled up. Anyways, I made it out to the bus and, all of the seats were full. And, back in my day, the seats in the back were normally the ones for the bullies, and there was one there. So as the bumpy bus took off, I tried to make my way back and I found a seat.
[2:56] And one of the older bullies, he kind of leaned over me, one of the guys, and he said, "Hey guys, what is that?" And that really, I'm 47 and I still remember the way that made me feel. And why do we remember these things? I've had a lot of great experiences in my life. I don't even know who this kid was, but I still remember that. So the truth is that, we do pick up these experiences and, in this, series of baggage, we can allow those experiences to define us in a negative way, or in a positive way, but often they do. And, and yeah, we start to see things through a different filter.
[3:51] It might be the way that you, where you're, your clothes, the makeup that you put on, maybe an overreaction to something, and that could be from that filter now that we see through of hurt. So, even if you have been hurt by something that someone said or did to you, maybe you can think of a moment right now just, as I'm sharing, some things are coming to mind for you. And maybe it was as simple as my story, or maybe it was something more tragic. And you can probably think of more than just one experience that you've had.
[4:46] And what do we do with all of that trauma? What do we do with these things? And, our culture tells us, forgive, forget, move on, block them. And sometimes when we do that, that might help temporarily, yeah, we don't see them on social media anymore, and that kind of might help a little bit, but honestly, it does affect us. The truth is, it really does affect us. And, so today we're going to be talking about, trauma and forgiveness. So even though trauma has never been talked about more as it is in our society today, this isn't a new topic.
[5:37] Trauma is something that humans have struggled with for our entire existence. Conflicts and wars have been nearly constant throughout, history. And so people have always needed to figure out a way to work through the pain and the injustice of trauma. That is why it's so fascinating that 2000 years ago, this became a critical part of Jesus's teaching. He was a Jew, and back then the Jews lived under Roman occupation, every day they had to go face to face with the reality that their lives were altered beyond their control. So what do we do with that?
[6:23] Jesus gave specific instructions to His followers. Let's see what Jesus says in Matthew 6:14-15. It says, "For if you forgive other people, when they have sinned against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive other people of their sins, your Father in heaven will not forgive you." So it states that a person to earn God's forgiveness, they must also be willing to forgive. And those who do not cannot receive God's forgiveness.
[7:08] And I don't know a whole lot, but I know I don't wanna live a life without God's forgiveness. What about you? And His blessings? I don't wanna block God's blessings for my life. So what does Jesus actually mean? What does it really look like to forgive someone? And what does it mean to receive the promise that if we do that God would forgive us? And some of the resources that I'm, going to be using today and showing you is, resources that I use for the courses that I teach. And that is through Trauma Healing Institute, which is based on basic mental health practices and, through Canadian Bible Society. So together, basic mental health practice and biblical truth.
[8:06] So let's, have a look and see what is forgiveness and what is it not? So forgiveness is not saying that that hurt didn't matter and that we are not hurt by what that person did. It's important to acknowledge, our pain. Forgiveness is a process and takes time. So like our culture tells us, forgive and forget, that's not the case. We were, designed to, when you're hurt, is that it does take time, in order to heal.
[8:51] It's not healthy if you jump right back into a toxic relationship. So over time, when you've had really great experiences, with that person, then, and trust is built up, then, it's safe to go back there. Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation. So it doesn't always mean that, a relationship will be totally amended. Ideally that is the case, but it's not always, not always appropriate. So how can we forgive others?
[9:38] So we need to be honest, and bring our pain to Jesus. And, you know, sometimes we can talk to some friends about what we're going through, but honestly, there's nobody who has been rejected, despised and, like Jesus has. And, when we confess that to Him, He is able to come in and, help us with that pain and to begin to heal us. And as Jesus heals us, then we are able to forgive others who have hurt us. So the next one is release the offender to God without waiting for them to apologize. And so often, we want the other person to apologize, and then we are, we'll be okay with it. Or, we wanna see that that person has changed and then we'll be willing to, to make amends. But when we forgive, we are releasing the offender and our wish to harm them to God.
[10:55] Instead of paying the person back, we put them into God's hands. In Romans 12:17-19, it says, "Do not pay evil with evil. Give careful thought to do what is honorable in everyone's eyes, if possible. As it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Friends, do not avenge yourselves." Don't take that into your own hands. Instead, "leave room for God's wrath, because it is written, 'Vengeance belongs to Me,' says the Lord." So we let go of our right, allow God to do so knowing that He will judge with justice and righteousness.
[11:52] So the next one is, allow time for the process. And forgiveness doesn't happen all at once. If we decide to forgive, but someone, as they remember the offense, it's kind of like this diagram. I'm a really visual person. So, this diagram you see like the cage of the offense. We are in that prison of the offense. And as we start to forgive, So you can see like that first loop is the hardest one. It's the most painful. But as we, every time we remember that, we loop it around and we say, no, God, I'm giving this back to You.
[12:44] I made that commitment and I'm gonna continue doing that. And it takes some time, but time after time, it will become easier. Just like those loops, they become bigger and easier, and then we find freedom. So, the next, one is let the offender face the consequences of their actions. And what is the relationship between forgiveness and consequences? So forgiving someone doesn't mean that they should not be punished. And in some cases, we, you know, there are authorities, that would need to deal with those situations. Or if something's been taken, then it needs to be repaid.
[13:37] But God has given national and traditional leaders the job of punishing criminals and protecting the innocent. And it says that in Romans 13: 1-4. So God has also charged church leaders to protect the innocent too, that they should never cover up any sin, but would need to address that honestly, to protect the church. So forgiveness does not mean that the offender is excused from paying back. And yeah, so if something has been taken, it needs to be returned and handled in an appropriate way, and also that we're giving an opportunity for that person to repent. So the last one we have here is, and that is determine if and when you are able to trust the offender again. Oh, thank you.
[14:44] Sure. So determine if and when you are able to trust the offender again. So, on the slide here, we have forgive freely, and trust wisely. And that's a really important one because we can, we do need to forgive freely, but you're also not gonna put yourself in the position to be hurt. Again, it could be a dangerous situation. So if we forgive someone, it does not mean that we need to trust him or her immediately.
[15:30] Just because we have forgiven a person, it does not mean that he or she has changed. Even if there is a change, trust has been broken, and, it will take time to rebuild. But time after time, if you've had good experiences with that person, then reconciliation could be appropriate. And it may take a long time to trust that person again, completely in some cases. And it may never be safe to do so, like in cases of abuse. So in Genesis 42-44, Joseph's brothers trafficked him. They sold him into slavery.
[16:19] And, so he had to put them when they wanted to, you know, make amends for what they had done. It was, he's not gonna take them back in after something like that. So it, he put them through a lot of tests to see if they were trustworthy. And forgiveness can open the way for our relationships with a person to be restored. It may cause the offender to repent and reconcile, but they may also not want to reconcile with us. So it takes two parties to agree on that. Yes. And like I said, of reconciliation is not always appropriate in cases of abuse.
[17:08] So forgiveness is a decision to release our right to pay back that offender. We don't take that revenge into our own hands. It acknowledges what has happened and how it's affected us. It is an ongoing process of reaffirming our decision to let go each time we remember, just like on that diagram that, every time, because we will, we're only human. So we will remember these things, that have happened to us, but we need to reaffirm that to Jesus. Yeah. So what does it mean to receive God's forgiveness?
[17:54] Well, forgiveness frees us from anger and bitterness. I don't know if you've heard the saying before, but they say that unforgiveness is like drinking poison, but expecting the other person to die because we are the ones who suffer. It is totally natural to feel angry when you've been hurt. But if we let that anger fester inside us, we're giving the enemy a foothold in our lives. In Ephesians 4:26-27, it says, be angry, but do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger and don't give the devil an opportunity.
[18:42] You will become slaves to anger and bitterness, and it begins to destroy you. If you don't forgive someone who offends you, you are the one who suffers. Refusing to forgive can make you physically ill. You can have headaches, ulcers, heart problems, but forgiveness can release you from all of this. Unforgiveness can also be passed down through generations and generations. I don't know if you've seen that before, but there's families who have been disputing for years, and they pass it on to their children. But forgiveness can break that cycle.
[19:35] In Hebrews 12:14-15, it says, pursue peace with everyone. No one will. See the Lord. Make sure that no one falls short of the grace of God, and no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble and defiling many. So it's extremely toxic and it will ruin every part of your life. If you can't forgive, forgiveness shows that we understand how much God has forgiven us, and when we understand how much we owe God, because of our sins and how He has forgiven our debt through Jesus.
[20:24] In Ephesians 4:32, it says, be kind and compassionate to one another, just as the Lord also forgave you in Christ. We will want to extend the same forgiveness to each other, but if you refuse to forgive others, it shows that we do not understand how much God owes us and how much He has forgiven us. And from the Lord's Prayer in Matthew 6:12, it says, and forgive us our debts as we have also forgiven our debtors. So some of the best examples that I've dealt with, through the trauma healing process, is through a ministry that our church supports. And that is Naomi and Ruth, and I've had the privilege to work with these ladies.
[21:33] And, I just thank you for being here today and sharing a little bit of your story and how forgiveness has played a really important part in your healing. So thank you, Amy. Hi, my name's Amy. I'm a graduate from Naomi and Ruth. I now work there as a night shift supervisor, and I also am working in development. Well, in 2021, I entered the program of Naomi and Ruth with a lot of hatred, a lot of anger and bitterness towards my mother for abuse that happened as a child, as I decided to give my life to the Lord and allow Him to work in my life, I kept trying to forgive my mom and I'd be like, I forgave her. And then she did something, something happened, and then it would trigger something in me again.
[22:22] So I realized it became a time that I just had to sit with the Lord and give it to Him and allow Him to take it and say all the hurt and all the anger and how I felt, the way my mom treated me, and what happened in my life. And it completely changed my life. And since that day, God has freed me of that unforgiveness I held for so long, and I was able to be forgiven from God for the hate that I carried in the anger and bitterness. So now with doing all that, the Lord is restoring the relationship with my mom. I'm not saying it's perfect and it might never be perfect, but we do have a relationship now, and that's by the grace of God. Thank you.
[23:09] Hi there. My name's Sarah Hersey. I've recently just graduated from Naomi and Ruth, and I've been hired on as nighttime staff for the past 18 years of my life. I've been held in body due to being a victim of sexual abuse at a young age. I held on to anger, resentment, bitterness, shame, and most of all, unforgiveness. Until recently, by surrendering to God, I allowed Him in. I was able to let go and let God. He transformed me, healed me, and I forgave. I now truly do walk in freedom, and now I just try my best to help others learn to forgive. God is good. Amen.
[23:59] Thank you for sharing, girls. And, part of the work that we did, that we've done together is, is writing those, writing those situations down. Maybe it's a name or a code, or something that brings up that pain for you. And maybe as I was speaking, that came up, those situations came up for you. And part of what we've done is, is we write that down. And when you came in this morning, you received a small piece of paper and it's water soluble paper. But we are gonna just demonstrate what we've done and then we wanna invite you to be able to take that physical step and say, "I'm done.
[24:52] I'm done carrying this around. And today I wanna make that commitment to forgive. I wanna live in that freedom." And, if you're at home, you're welcome to do the same thing. And yeah. So we're just gonna go ahead and do that, as the worship team just plays. So thank you.