Habits That Help You Love Your Neighbour
Jeremy MacDonald · Tidal Church Moncton · March 3, 2024 · The Domino Effect series
Jeremy MacDonald launches a series on habits with Jesus' command to love God and neighbour. He suggests two practices: one hour with your phone off each day, and thoughtful choices about media, so attention and hearts can be shaped toward loving others.
More from Jeremy MacDonald · The The Domino Effect series
Topics: Love, Relationships, Discipleship
Transcript
[0:56] If we've not met before, you just need to know a little bit of context to really understand this story. My name's Jeremy, my wife Chantel and I, we've been married for just over 10 years. We've got three kids, an 8-year-old, a 6-year-old, and a 4-year-old. That's the context. The story is that while we are very happily married, at the start of our marriage, there were some difficult, difficult times in particular. There was one instance and one particular thing that caused an enormous amount of friction in our marriage that really was challenging and was surprising even to me. And it was a habit, actually, that Chantel had, my wife, that was absolutely incorrect, was wrong. And it was how she did this grocery shopping.
[1:48] Very, very incorrect. Her idea of grocery shopping, get this, is to go once a month and then to fill a deep freeze and to not go back at all. How many people, that's how you grocery shop? How many people? That is incorrect. That is not how you're supposed to go grocery shopping. Grocery shopping is two to three times a week where you stroll through the aisles and see what speaks to you and what you would like to enjoy. How many people, that's your experience at grocery shopping? Yes, the correct way. Thank you. Well, if you've ever had a roommate or you've ever had a spouse or even just family members that you lived with, you know that every once in a while you come across something that is surprising because of how different two people can experience it or do it.
[2:37] And that principle, the idea, the thing that although we don't know each other maybe that well, if we got together, I could tell you your entire life, your life from start to finish is built on similar things as to mine. Your life is built on maybe something we could call standard operating procedures. This idea that when you go to, like, the grocery store, you've got a way of doing it. When you go to cook bacon, there is a specific way that you do it, the way you cook pasta or rice, these simple little things. And until you end up in the home with somebody else, you may miss the fact that all of these things you take for granted, but it's just the natural part of your own journey.
[3:22] And marriage is this wonderful refining experience, wonderful after the fact. But when you realize, you come head to head against the silliest and simplest of things, but it really accentuates this principle that your life is built on all sorts of these kinds of things. Or maybe put a different way, your life is built on the water that you swim in. This classic story, David Foster Wallace, where he shares the example of two fish swimming along. And one fish comes in the other direction and on the way by says, "Boys, how's the water today?" And then just keeps going. And one fish looks at the other and says, "What's water?" Because when you're in it, you don't see it and you don't recognize it, but your life is built on all of these different things.
[4:09] Or it's kind of like, although this might be a little bit overstated, your life is built on kind of like a worldview. Something that kind of like encapsulates the way that you express yourself and experience things. But more so for this series and the way that we're gonna kind of talk about these things is instead using this word that your life is built on habits, on the habit of how you do life, the simplest things to the most complex things, things that your brain kind of shuts off and you just roll through life in so many different ways. But the important thing, the thing that we have to realize and recognize and know, and for the next four weeks that we're gonna unpack, is that our habits make us, and that if we're not careful, they can also break us.
[4:59] And this is not a new thing. It's not a 2024 thing. It's not a North American thing. In fact, over a hundred years ago, the Russian philosopher, an author, Dostoevsky, he wrote exactly this principle when he said this. The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half. Which means if you're in the first half of your life, now is the time to set and decide and determine the habits that will make up your life. And if you're in the second half of your life, let me remind you, you can acknowledge where your habits are serving you and where they've led you astray.
[5:44] And so for the next few weeks, let's just ask this question: What are your habits? But let's make it really specific, which might be really uncomfortable. What are your phone habits, your cell phone habits? If I could take your device and pull off all the data, what story would your phone tell about your habits? The anxiety rises in the room, right? How about this, a little bit different. What are your meal habits, when you eat and what you eat? That's a personal question. You can't ask that in church.
[6:32] No. And this is not like you're gonna submit some kind of report on this, but honestly, if you were to reflect and just take a step back and sit above the water that you swim in, what are your habits that maybe you've taken for granted? What are your morning habits, the things that you just naturally do, and you get up and go that you've stopped thinking about? What are your evening habits as you close out each day? What are your spiritual habits? What are the habits that are marked? And whether or not you're a Christian and wanting to follow Christ with your whole life, or you've just got questions or you're still exploring, it doesn't matter. But all of those things together. What would define your spiritual habits in your day-to-day or weekly rhythms or this?
[7:20] What are your relational habits? Now, if you struggle to answer that one personally, you just have to talk to the person sitting next to you. And they can give you all the habits that you express when it comes to your relationships. But don't do it right now, 'cause that would be very distracting and maybe very convicting. The point is that your habits really and truly shape you. And so when we gather together as a teaching team, of which we do, and we think about, okay, what are we gonna wrestle with as a group, as a congregation, throughout the teaching year. And as we gather together on a Sunday, we come up, you know, months in advance with different ideas and directions. And Shane from our team in particular, a number of months ago, put us onto this book, this resource of this Christian, corporate lawyer of all things.
[8:08] There's a joke there that we're not gonna have time for, but who wrote this book, wrestling with the question about habits as it pertains to faith and what it means for us all. And we're gonna use this as kind of a spearhead for this series. And if you wanna learn more, You can check out The Common Rule, Habits of Purpose, a great resource. But what Justin says in this book, and I think this is helpful as we launch into this, is that for all of us, this is an all skate. This is all of us together, a people thing that we're wrestling with. He says, "We're all living according to a specific regimen of habits, and those habits shape most of our life." But he goes further. "We are all, this wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that habits form much more than our schedules.
[8:57] They form our hearts, that the habits we partake in shape our view of the world and ourselves and the people around us." And your heart, the core of who you are, your heart is exactly what Jesus is contending for. God is speaking into, through Scriptures and through the truth of His word and inviting us into a life following Him specifically so He can transform and change our hearts to become closer to Him. And so when we think about our habits, this is not just a matter of surface-level things, but this dives deep to the core of who we are and whose we are and what our lives are gonna be all about.
[9:47] Now, again, this isn't a new idea. You see, for really all of time people have wrestled with this idea of our own habits and our rhythms in our life. In fact, shortly after the New Testament, or our Old and New Testament, as we know them, as they came together, canonized, the church fathers began articulating specific ideas about how to live out this kind of faith that we talk about here on a Sunday. And so one of the earliest church fathers that we have an example of, Saint Augustine, this theologian from Africa, he actually wrote one of the most popular what would be called a rule of life. And it's just an idea concept about how to batch together and bring together principles and practices to help shape our understanding of what it means, not just to be a Christian, but what it means to be human as God has intended us to be.
[10:44] How could we experience His flourishing if we were to live out this life that we read about in Scriptures? What does that mean for us each and every day? And so Saint Augustine would write in his rule of life in the fourth and fifth century, he would write exactly this at the very start trying to articulate before giving the specifics of the kinds of habits and practices that he might invite people to participate in. He said this, he said, "Before all else, beloved, love God. And then your neighbor, for these are the chief commandments given to us." And he's, of course, referencing the most important commandment that Jesus articulated when a teacher of the law came and asked Him, "Teacher, what is the most important commandment?"
[11:34] which was a common practice in those days, to ask rabbis to try to bring together the truth and the and the commandments of all the Scriptures and the prophets. And if you could condense it down, help us understand what is God calling us into? And Jesus answers that question. And if you've been a part of church, perhaps you've of course heard the greatest commandment is when Jesus says this, "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." A second, although He didn't ask for two, Jesus combines these, that to express one, you must express the other. They're uniquely connected. "A second is equally important, love your neighbor as yourself."
[12:20] And He goes on, He says, "The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments." And so for us, and over the next four weeks, we're gonna wrestle with from this book these ideas, that if we could take those two commandments and build out and talk about habits that could help us express the love for God and the love for neighbor, that we might be inspired to change some things about our own rhythms. And that as a result that our faith, for those of us that are people of faith, might increase, that our love for God might increase, but also that our love for neighbor might increase. And if you're not sure about faith, if you're not committed to this, if you haven't assigned Jesus to be your Lord and Savior, that's not your journey, then hey, you're coming along and seeing what it would mean for you to experience God's best for you.
[13:12] And feel free, because I think each of these habits, as I said earlier, isn't just about what it means to be a Christian. It's actually about what it means to be human. And it actually helps us become more of who we were created to be. Okay? Now the habits are gonna come from a bit of a diagram. So lemme show you this. This gives you an example of the kind of framework that we're walking through. Each week we're gonna show you two habits and then invite you to partake in them. It's an option. Like, I can't track this for you, but I really think you should. And I think where there's pushback and hesitation in your heart and soul is probably a good flag that there's something going on there worth leaning into. And so, as you can kind of see, on one side, there's this idea that we're called to love our neighbors.
[13:58] And one side about loving God, we're gonna give you a habit each week that's gonna be a weekly habit, something that you would try throughout this week or once this week. And then there's also a daily habit in each section. And so today, I'll also give you a daily habit to try. I'm gonna walk us through the habits this week and next week of resistance, the bottom half of this diagram. The idea that in order to love our neighbors and to love God, there's gonna be things that we need to resist in our life and I'll explain a little bit more about that. But there's also habits that remind us that this life is filled with all sorts of good things that we're meant to embrace. And so we want to encourage each other to embrace particular things.
[14:45] But for this week, we're gonna talk about loving our neighbors and what kinds of things we might resist in order to help in that process. And so here's the two habits and I'll explain a little bit about what they might look like for you in your own life. The first one is this: one hour with your phone off each day. I'm like, is this spiritual? Yes, this is very spiritual. And let me actually start actually by saying this much. This is gonna be a bit of a, like, a trial test even for me. So when I speak of these things, let's not assume that I actually know how to do all of these things. So as I read this book, I'm like, oh, should I test this ahead of time to see if it works? And then I didn't. So what we're gonna do as a journey together is realize this is gonna be challenging for me.
[15:31] And so you should come and experience it. 'Cause I would love to report back what this will mean in my own journey and also hopefully what it could mean in your journey. These are two habits that from this book are meant to spark our imagination. They're specific, so we're gonna try them, but also understand that this isn't the word of God saying this, and yet I think this ties deeply to what God has called us to do. So first off, one hour with your phone off each day. Secondly, curate your media usage all week long. Those are the two that we'll tackle here, both of them. If we take them seriously, I think they'll change our perspective on the people around us, the people that we interact with, and it might actually adjust and change our relationships in such a way.
[16:17] And this is the idea that it would help us to love our neighbors. And sometimes our neighbors are the ones that we share a room with. Sometimes the neighbors are the ones that live down the hall, and sometimes our neighbors are across the road or across the cubicle. And so to do these things is to increase our love in each of those categories. Okay, let's talk about what it means to go one hour without your phone on. The idea here is that our devices, the device that you brought to church today, are not evil, in terms of, like, they're not inherently evil, and yet what they attempt to do with you can actually be fairly nefarious and evil in your daily walk.
[17:03] And the reason for this is almost every single app that's on your phone, on your device, on your iPad, every single one of them has been, or not every single one, but most of them have been built by people with behavioral scientists and people back in labs trying to figure out how they can capture as much of your attention as possible, right? We've kind of known this, we've seen from The Social Dilemma, we've seen from some of the research that's coming out, even from some of the public health officials that are talking about some of the dangers these days of our apps and from our devices, because all of these things are designed to capture your attention. But we know, and you know, that attention is one of the most loving things that we have to offer the people around us, that our attention when we go to love our neighbor or to love our spouse or love our roommate, or love our kids or love our parents, that one of the most loving things we can do is offer them our undivided attention.
[18:09] And so in your pocket is this thing that is trying to claw from you as much of that attention as possible. And again, it's not evil. However, one of the things we have to do as Jesus people is to recognize where the goodness that comes from the ability to use technology ends up becoming a distraction from who we're meant to be. And so when you look at the relationship that you are meant to have with the people around you, you're meant to bring yourself into those places and into those conversations. Now. So if you go for an hour of phone off each week, the goal is not to just do this passively like, "Hey, I'll turn my phone off at night." Yeah, that's kind of cheating. That's not what we mean here.
[18:55] The goal is to find a pocket which will force and allow, or maybe not force, but allow you to change how you interact with important people in your midst. And so for you to take and find a category that feels like it would be the right time and place to offer your presence more fully would be to think about maybe family or friends. Think about even if it's work, depending on your work. Now if your work forces you to not have a device anyways, again, that's cheating. That doesn't work. You pick a time and a place where it would be unnatural or different for you to disengage from your device. Or maybe it's just a matter of seeking silence. Like for some of us, the device represents something that allows us to disconnect from reality.
[19:41] And because of that, turning it off maybe at night before you go to bed is gonna force you to be with yourself and your own thoughts. And that's terrifying. But maybe that's what God is inviting you into, and that it would change how you view your world if you were to disengage slightly from this. Now this idea of unfractured attention again is so fascinating. I mean, if you're married, if you've never tried this before, later on tonight, when it gets still and quiet and you find your spouse and just offer like 30 seconds of undivided eye contact with them, like, things might happen, is all I'm saying, because, and that would be a good thing because your undivided attention is so rare and so shocking.
[20:30] And when you have a device with you, even when you set it away or you put it in a different room, if it's still on, there's still this sense that it's gonna grab you at any point. And so if you've not experienced this lately, actually physically turn it off so that it cannot ring and it cannot fire up. And at least for 60 minutes every single day, see what that does for you. And if you've not experienced that lately, I think it's gonna be a fascinating thing for us all to try. Okay, one hour device turned off, intentional time. That's the first practice, and it's a challenge, and you need to do it. It's gonna be good for you, and it's gonna be good for me. Alright, second one. Curate your media usage.
[21:19] Curating your media usage is something that's a little bit foreign to us. And so the best way to understand this is to think about how we engage with media and what kinds of media we engage with. In particular, if you could think of a different category of people, it'll kind of become really clear. And so the category of people that I like to think about are these people. These are, oh, my kids. That would make more sense. This is not stock photography, although sometimes we use stock photography. These are mine. So Riker is eight, this is from his birthday in the fall, Archer and Ember. And so when I think about media usage, like, just imagine for a second, if you were to give me advice, would you advise me as a dad to curate what my son accesses when it comes to media?
[22:07] Yeah, of course. If I was a good father, would I set limits in terms of how often he could use technology? Yeah, of course. Like for an 8-year-old, it makes total sense that I would protect and keep him from accessing just anything on the internet or any TV show. Like there would be content, there's content restrictions in our home, there's time on device that are restrictive in our home. And that just makes sense because he's growing and developing and there's lots of things that are online that are not helpful for him. Okay, let's go a few years down the road, if you had control and could honestly curate and dictate what a 15-year-old guy accesses with media and with his device, would you have some parameters on that?
[22:59] Now, if you're parents of a 15-year-old, you're like, "Yeah, but it's so difficult," and I get that, but like, if you could perfectly protect them from particular things, would you? Yes. Like, you would not want a 15-year-old to access pornography. We know for sure how detrimental it is to that developing brain. You would not want that 15-year-old to spend every waking moment in front of a screen. You would want that 15-year-old to be able to not see gruesome or, you know, experience, like, shows that, like, glorify violence or glorify oppression. You would want them to have some kind of parameters around what they're experiencing. And the reason you would want that is actually 'cause that's baked into our DNA, the New Testament writers.
[23:49] They knew this, they explain this, that the way that our minds work is that if we focus on things, it changes and shapes who we are. And so Paul, writing to the church in Philippi, he says it this way, he says, "Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right, and pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." And the promise is that then the God of peace will be with you. Now, this isn't that God turns His face from you if you disengage from this advice. It's that you turn your face from God when you don't, when you disengage from this advice, when you decide to engage and to see and experience things that are vile, things that are oppressive, things that are awful, things that devalue people's humanity, people's that are things that are apart from what God has invited us into.
[24:43] You turn your own face away from God and you miss out on the peace that He's inviting us into. And so we fix our thoughts on these things because He's told us to, but also because this is what we're made for. And it shapes the kinds of people that our 15-year-olds will become, for sure. But then the question is, if it's good enough for a 15-year-old, why wouldn't we curate our own media? Because I'm an adult. Like, I can figure it out. Yeah, you're not that strong. Like, I get that when you watch that show, like, you understand that you're not meant to go out and to do those things, but it's actually changing you more than you want to admit.
[25:29] If we're honest, you know, that habit that you have of, the thing that you engage with online and you're like, "Yeah, I can kind of separate it, and I, and it kind of puts a box and then I move away from it, and it doesn't affect my relationships." Yeah, it does. You're wrong. We know it from research, but we also know it because we know you and we've seen you and we know the relationships that you have with people, the things that we fixate on and see those things change who we are and change how we interact with people around us. And so if it's good enough for an 8-year-old or a 15-year-old, it's good enough for you to think about, okay, how should I curate my media usage?
[26:14] How do I make and set up my own rules so that I become the kind of person I want to be? And that these things don't reshape my own mind. And so here's just a few questions. I'm not gonna set the rules for you, but you should ask yourself these questions. And if you want to take a photo of the screen or check afterwards, these are the things that in your home you can deal with and wrestle with, and process to come up with what your own rhythm and rule might be. How about this one? How much time did I spend? Your device will tell you. Do you want to be the kind of person that spends that much time on your device? Just be clear about it. Just know the information and come at it as you would if you were trying to help a friend.
[27:05] How about this? How do I feel, or how did I feel, before and after consuming this media? Because I'll tell you, when I open Instagram or TikTok, oftentimes I close it more frustrated and angry than when I opened it. Like, my emotional disposition gets worse because they're feeding me to draw me in things that spark my outrage. "Ah, why are people that crazy?" Because it makes you stay on the app longer. People aren't actually always that crazy. They're just feeding you something so that you want to be there longer. And so if that's what it's doing to you, it's okay to recognize it and to step away.
[27:52] How about this one? And this is my last one. Why did I consume this media? And was it to escape? Because we have this uncanny nature, I think culturally, and maybe for you, I know for me, that sometimes I think about my media usage and I think it's about me resting. 'Cause I need a break. Oh, I need a break. I'm so tired. But then instead of taking a break and resting, I go and I escape, and rest and escape are two very different things. And you should wrestle with what that means for you. Okay? How you consume. You should also wrestle if you're gonna curate your media this week with what you consume. And here's a few questions that you can deal with that can spark what this actually means for you. What is seen as good and bad in this particular show, in this particular thread, in this particular YouTube series that I'm watching? What is seen as good and bad in this?
[28:48] What's being portrayed as such? Because there's a worldview being presented and you should know if it differs from your own. How about this second question, what would I consume this media with my son or my daughter or my grandmother? And I'm not saying that if you wouldn't, that you shouldn't, but you should just understand why. Why wouldn't I want to sit alongside of somebody like that? If they were with me, I wouldn't really want to be flicking through these reels or through the show. Why is that? Think about that personal reflection, stepping outside the water and looking at the water. Last question. What about this story? Do I need to resist becoming part of my story?
[29:35] And this is the big one. What are you putting in your mind that you know is not the thing that you want to be a part of your story? You recognize, "Hey, this is just entertainment. This is not, I'm not gonna become like this person. Like, I get that this is the hero or the anti-hero. I don't want to become like them. I'm just being entertained by it." Okay, what are you trying to resist? Can you experience or express what that resistance means? I'm trying to resist becoming like them, or I'm trying to resist this story. It can't become a part of my story. You should be able to articulate it in some way, shape, or form. There's a few resources that I would suggest using for these kinds of things as you're wrestling with them. For me, you know, I, this is one thing in curating media that I, feel like I've been able to not do perfectly, but I've had some good resources for.
[30:24] So the one I usually use is pluggedin.com. It's just a content website for games, for shows, for movies. And so before consuming something, you know, I like to check it there. It's usually there just walks you through what's in it so that I understand and know if I want to partake and consume that particular media. My friend Brett Allman, out of Ontario, he writes a lot on these kinds of things. especially if you're a guy. Brett has some great thoughts and advice as you think about what it means to be shaped by your media. He's got this great man talk. You should check it out, brettalmond.com. And then if you're a parent, axis.org helps you understand culturally what's going on with students and with kids these days so that you can catch where the influences are coming from, because there's a lot. Okay, so two habits. Number one, one hour with our phone off each day.
[31:13] Number two, curate your music or your media usage all week long. Music, your social channels, your movies, your shows, whatever it is, all of that kind of stuff fits into being intentional about it. And when you do this each and every day, recognize that over time the benefits actually stack on top of each other. That this isn't just about experiencing the first day and being like, "Whoa, that was really hard. I don't see any benefit coming from it. Maybe I should stop." It's like, actually, this is meant to be something that you refine over time. In fact, Justin, the author of this book, he says this about repetition. He says what? Or sorry, he says this about these principles. What if the good life doesn't come from just having the ability to do what we want, but from having the ability to do what we were made for?
[32:01] And so rather than taking our freedom of being able to choose however we live our lives and reframe that into what would it mean to spend time becoming the person I'm meant to be? And so then we do these two things. One hour with our phone off, curate media, because we're called to love our neighbors as ourself, our neighbors in our house, our neighbors across the way, our neighbors that we work with. And if we're not careful, the things that we engage with will reshape and change how we view the people around us in a way that will end up pushing against this. And so the call to be serious about these kinds of things is a call I think God gives to each and every one of us because what He has for us is good and is wonderful and beautiful, but it takes intentionality and it takes getting outta the water for a moment and recognizing what we're meant to do.
[33:02] And so the challenge for this week is if you would do these two things and you would like a reminder for it, we have on the way out today, we also have up here at the front dominoes, the idea that if you could kick off a chain of events with one or two good habits, that the effect would be felt way down the line. And so if you would actually take one of these, this is you signifying that, "I want to actually participate." If you're not interested in doing these two things, don't bother with taking a domino. This is just, if you would take a step forward and say, "I'll give it a shot. I'm gonna give it a shot." And so you can come up at any point towards the end of the service while the last song's playing. You can grab one from here. You can grab one on your way out. You can come up later. But take one of these and let it remind us that these are practices worth trying because God is something so important for us.
[33:58] And to sort out what it means to love our neighbors is so much deeper than just those first surface level things. He wants to transform and change our heart. And to change our heart is gonna require that we change our habits, 'cause our habits are forming us and they're not always forming us in the best possible way. Let me pray for you. Heavenly Father, we're grateful that our faith is practical. We're grateful that our faith is important, but we're also grateful that our faith is calling us into something significant and difficult. That this life that You have for us is not necessarily the easiest. It's actually sometimes really hard, but God, hard things are good.
[34:45] And so as we swim against maybe some of the things that our culture is pushing on us or our devices are pulling us into, I pray that You would give strength to each and every one of us, 'cause God, I know there's a bunch of people here that know they have habits that need breaking. And so this is a way to start that journey. And so I would just pray for a few folks that are a little bit on shore, but recognize that it might be worth a shot. Would You give them the strength to go and take that step? It's not gonna change everything, but it's gonna change something. And we know that as we do the things You've called us to do, that it's gonna change us for the better.
[35:31] And it's gonna change us to become more like You. And we recognize and know that that's what we're called into. So Father, give us the strength. Give us the resolve. Let us be people that are purposeful in what we do. And God, give us a vision for what You are calling us into so we can see and know that You are with us and You have something great for us. And it might start with something as simple as turning off our device to be present with the people around us and being intentional about the things we fill our mind with so that we can know what it means to love those around us more. Pray these things in Jesus' name. Amen.