My Upbringing Brings Me Down
Margot Bandy · Tidal Church Moncton · May 8, 2022 · I Can't Believe in God Because... series
Margot Bandy explores how our parents shape our picture of God as Father, drawing on Hebrews 1:3 and Mark 9. Jesus shows us what God is truly like, and meditating on Scripture, like Psalm 27:10, renews our thinking and heals old wounds.
More from Margot Bandy · The I Can't Believe in God Because... series
Topics: Faith, Identity, Marriage & Family
Transcript
[0:00] Good morning. Happy Mother's Day, and I can tell you I'm happy to be here, but I can also say it's a lot more nerve-wracking talking in front of people now, because when you used to talk, you were only talking to the people in the room, and they forgot all your mess-ups and your mistakes by the time that dessert was served at lunchtime. But now with YouTube, your mistakes are there to hang out to the whole world over and over and over, so we'll see how it goes. I remember a couple of years ago, a few years ago, I was speaking at a church. It wasn't my home church like this one, so I was trying to establish rapport with the audience and sharing my parenting fails. And so I was talking about forgetting my kids' places and forgetting other kids' places. I was talking to them about, you know, going down after the kids had left for school and seeing wet towels on the floor and hadn't been hung up after the shower.
[0:50] So afterwards, I said to my husband, "Well, how did I do?" And he said, "Not bad, not bad. Just make sure you clearly pronounce the P when you're talking about the damp towels, though." And then a couple of years ago, I was speaking at a ladies' retreat on Catons Island, the Wesleyan church camp, not too far from here. And so I was inviting the ladies to watch the sunrise with me the next morning on the canoe beach, and people came to me afterwards and said, "We thought you said the nude beach, not the canoe beach." They were mighty surprised there was a nude beach on Catons Island. We'll have to see how this goes today. When Pastor Joel told me that the Mother's Day sermon would fall in the midst of a series called I Can't Believe in Christianity Because, I automatically started thinking things like, I'm not sure that I'm very good at explaining reasons for the faith, like how you know Jesus actually rose from the dead, how you know the Bible's true, and that type of thing.
[1:49] And he said, "No, Margot, what's on my heart is people who wrestle with their image of God because of the example that their parents set." I thought, "Oh, well, I've never heard that in the usual apologetics books." But you know, as I thought about it, it's true because the powerful influence of a parent is going to be tied in if they're thinking that God is their Heavenly Father, then their experience, good, bad, or anything in between with their earthly parents are going to have an effect on that. Now, I don't know if I've actually been able to work into the message yet that I'm a grandmother now. This is little Bree, and she lives up in La Crete, Alberta, and we've just had another little one, August, and he lives here in Moncton for a little close care.
[2:44] And this has given me a whole new excuse to buy children's books, and I have one here that I'm going to read to you today as a little Mother's Day treat to help me make a point. And this book is called Mother Bruce. Bruce was a bear who lived all by himself. He was a grump. He did not like sunny days. He did not like rain. He did not like cute little animals. Bruce liked only one thing: eggs. He collected them from all over the forest. But Bruce didn't eat eggs raw like other bears. Instead, he cooked them into fancy recipes that he found on the internet. One day, Bruce came across a recipe for hard -boiled goose eggs drizzled with honey salmon sauce, so he went out to get the ingredients.
[3:32] First, he caught a few salmon. Then he collected honey from a local beehive. He liked to support local business, you see. And last, he went to Mrs. Goose's nest to pay her a visit. At home, Bruce prepared the eggs for hard boiling. But the fire in his stove fizzled out, so he went out to get more wood. When Bruce came back, he was met with an unwelcome surprise. Bruce had become the victim of mistaken identity. Bruce wanted hard-boiled eggs, not goslings. He supposed he could settle for buttered goslings on toast, but for some reason, he lost his appetite.
[4:18] Bruce scooped up the little geese and stomped back to the nest, only to find Mrs. Goose had flown south early. Bruce left the goslings there anyway and went back home. But he was followed. Bruce was very stern and said things like, "Go away," and "I am not your mother," and also, "I liked you better when you were eggs." Bruce could take it no longer and became extra grumpy with them. It didn't work. Goslings always follow their mother, even if she is a he and he is a bear.
[5:06] Bruce was stuck with them. He tried to make the best of it. It was hard work. As the seasons passed, Bruce watched the pesky goslings grow older. Then, one fall afternoon, he saw other goose families flying south. Finally, he'd be rid of these geese, and he could take a long winter nap. Bruce explained migration, but they didn't listen. Bruce needed the geese to leave, so he got creative. Nothing worked. The geese would not leave Bruce.
[5:56] So Bruce decided to pack some bags and take his geese out of town. They boarded a bus and migrated to Miami. Now, every winter, Bruce and his geese head south together. They laze about at the beach in tacky shirts, sipping ice-cold lemonade, while Bruce dreams of new recipes, recipes that don't hatch. Now, maybe you can guess why I chose Bruce to help me make a point here. I thought it would be a good story, because in the same way that the baby geese imprinted on Bruce, we get our first taste of the world from our parents.
[6:46] Now, some of us grew up in Christian homes, and as much as we'd like to think that we got most of our ideas about God from the Bible, church, Sunday school, it could be that we've picked up more clues than we realized from the people who raised us, and we're assuming God is like them more than we realized. And of course, others of us grew up not in Christian homes, and so we've picked up our ideas of God from movies, friends, and any number of places. But no matter what your background is, most people have still heard of the Lord's Prayer, which starts, "Our Father, who art in heaven." And so most of us are still associating the image of God with our Father. So what image does that call to mind for you?
[7:34] For some fortunate people, the idea of God as Father brings to their minds a very caring, protective, loving image. But for others, especially if they've been neglected or abused, they're going to have a lot more trust issues, trusting in a heavenly Father if they think that that's like their earthly father. And I do want to say, too, it's not just fathers that portray the image of God. Even though the Bible doesn't call God Mother, there are images of the Bible that more closely associate God, or that we associate with God with mothers. So let's look at a couple of examples. In Matthew 23:37, Jesus says to Jerusalem, "How long I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks, but you under her wings, but you were not willing."
[8:26] And then there's another one in the Old Testament where God says in Isaiah 49:15, "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has born? Though she may forget, I will not forget you. And see, I have engraved you on the palms of My hands." So we're affected by both parents and other strong influences, and it's from them that we pick up certain images of God without realizing it. So let's look at some ways that people might view God, depending on their upbringing. Some people might see Him as an absentee God. So these people see Him as quite distant and remote. Maybe He got the ball rolling, but now He's not really involved, and He's just expecting us to figure out life as we go along.
[9:16] So there would be no emotional intimacy or relationship with this kind of God. Then there's the scorekeeper God. So people who are thinking of God as a scorekeeper, picture Him up there, looking down with a judgmental eye, keeping track of everything, ready to pounce maybe if they get out of line. So they may be burdened with guilt over what they have or haven't done. Maybe they're afraid or live with fear because of what they have or haven't done, or a relentless need to please. And then there's what I'm calling the Hey Siri God. So this God isn't necessarily with you all the time, but He's out there on call if you run into a situation you can't handle yourself.
[10:03] So this reminds me of my daughter's text to my husband a few weeks ago. She texted this picture of her tire to her dad and said, "Dad, does this front tire look right to you?" Well, my husband is normally very even-keeled, calm, and he texted back in capital letters, "OH MY GOODNESS!" So she said, "Why are you yelling at me?" And he said, "You can't drive home like that," because he knew she was visiting a friend an hour from her hometown. He said, "Go to the local tire shop, ask the guy to help you." So she went to the local tire shop, a guy came out, he's about my husband's age, probably had a daughter her age, and said, "Oh my goodness, those are banana skins." So he very kindly gave her a deal on tires and squeezed her in that afternoon.
[10:52] Of course, I get the texts that say, "How much icing sugar should I put in this whipping cream, right?" But for some people, He's a use-in-a-case-of -emergency kind of God. And I'm sure there's many more ways of viewing God, but I know that you get the idea by now. And I'd like to challenge you to think about where you've picked up your ideas from God and whether there's the possibility that they're not accurately reflecting who God is, remembering Bruce, or the goslings, who are thinking Bruce is their mom. Is it possible you're doing something like that? Of course, preparing for this message, I've had the chance to be thinking about that myself over the last couple of weeks. And God kind of opened my eyes to a couple of things.
[11:39] My dad loved me and was a wonderful provider, but he was also big, strong, loud, and short -tempered. So I've seen God as more of a scorekeeper God because I grew up trying to figure out how to make Dad laugh, how not to make Dad mad. And unfortunately, I turned around and transmitted that kind of view to my kids, too. So I was quite worried to make sure that they follow the rules and that they would be good and not question. Don't be a bother. Now, I have to say, in my dad's defense, all the short-temperedness completely disappeared by the time grandchildren were on the scene, so I saw a wonderful side of my dad emerge. But by that time, the damage was done in some ways.
[12:26] So I want to tell you about something that has really helped me. My friend Francielli recommended a book to me, and it's called Gentle and Lowly. And it's actually in Portuguese and Spanish, which is good news for some of you. And it's about the only part in the Bible where Jesus describes His own heart. And I really needed to know more about the gentle and lowly heart of Jesus, who represents God. So if you grew up with kind of a stern upbringing like I did, I hope you'll look that up. And I would really like to pause here, too, for a moment and just acknowledge that some people have been deeply, deeply wounded by their parents. And Joel, I'm so glad that you prayed for them this morning.
[13:12] And I don't know what to say to really address that in such a short period of time, except to say that I don't see anything way around it except to forgive them. And two months ago, Joel, our very own Pastor Joel, preached a message on forgiveness and bitterness. And it was in this section of sermons called "United We Stand," and it was week three, and it was called "You Hurt My Feelings." And He is really gifted by God. He has that pastor's heart for us, who He wants us to be free from wounds of the past and from bitterness. And so if you haven't had a chance to check that out, I just would really recommend that you look that up or maybe review it again. And you might need help beyond that as well, help from a counselor.
[14:02] It might take a lot of time and effort, but one of the names of God is the God who heals. And the Bible says He is close to the brokenhearted, and He saves those who are crushed in spirit. You're not alone. There's help. And maybe May 2022 is your time to start working on some of those issues if you're feeling a little stirring inside right now. I guess in a message like this, though, we do get to the point where we have to address where do you get an accurate image of God from and what He's like. So the book of Hebrews helps us with that a bit. There's a verse, chapter 1, verse 3, that says, God's Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of His being.
[14:54] So what this means is that Jesus shows us exactly what God is like. And Jesus Himself said to one of His disciples, "If you really knew Me, you would know My Father as well." So I think if you're kind of intimidated to explore God as Father, you should get to know Jesus, and He's going to introduce you to the Father in a more gentle way. And I thought, too, of the verse that says, "No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him." And I think that should be really good news if you're curious about what God is like, because this verse says that you would not be interested in God if He wasn't already working in your life. He wouldn't care if He wasn't in there kind of tickling your spiritual curiosity and inviting you to explore what He's like.
[15:48] So explore if you're feeling that, because that means He's already working there. I think it would take a lot of courage to explore God really if you've had a rough upbringing. I think you would have a lot of hope that God might be different than how you've always pictured Him, but also afraid that you're going to be disappointed. And if you're feeling like that describes you, you might be encouraged by this next little passage of Scripture I'd like us to look at together. There was a man who brought his son to Jesus and the disciples who was demon-possessed, and Jesus asked the boy's father, or we'll just read it together, sorry, in Mark 9:21-24.
[16:34] "How long has this been happening?" Jesus asked the boy's father, and he replied, "Since he was a little boy, the spirit often throws him into the fire or into water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us if You can." "What do you mean, 'if I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes." The father instantly cried out, "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief." And I feel like I so relate to this dad. There's so much on the line. I've asked His disciples to cast out the demon, and they've failed.
[17:20] And now I'm there looking right at Jesus, and I'm trying to be polite because I want Him to heal my child. "If You can, that would be great." That would be me. And He looks at me and He says, "If I can? Do you believe I can?" "Well, yeah. Yeah, I believe You can. I believe You can. Of course I want Him to heal my son." But then I'm looking right at Jesus, and He can see, He can read my mind. He knows there's a part of me that doesn't believe anything can change. We've been living with this for so long. So then I have to tell the truth. "Oh, yeah. No, You're right. No, I don't believe. You're right. Oh, but help me overcome my unbelief." It'd be so stressful. I love the version that says, "Help me where faith falls short."
[18:08] And what does Jesus do? He helps him where his faith falls short. He just meets that father, stammering and stumbling and everything on the line right where he's at, and He casts out the demon. And so if that feels a little bit like you, you want to believe that God might be different than you've ever thought of Him before, but you hardly have the faith to think that He could be different. Know that He is already working in your life, and the Bible says, He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. So earnestly seek Him. Now, here's the thing. Even if you realize you've grown up believing about God that isn't true, it's not like you can just flip a switch and change gears and think differently.
[19:00] You have to learn to think differently, and that's not easy because scientists tell us that there are actual grooves in our brain, actual pathways caused by the way we normally think. So what we have to do is form new pathways, and we can do that. The scientists call that neuroplasticity, and the way we do that is by thinking new thoughts, the true thoughts that we find out about God when we read His Word, and we find out what He's really like. Now, you can't just think it once or twice and think there's going to be a new groove, a new pathway in your brain. It doesn't work that way. You have to think about it over and over, meditate on it, reflect on it, rehearse it in your mind, and I don't know of any way of doing that except to memorize so that you can carry it around with you and call it up to your mind whenever you want.
[19:51] So what I'm going to do to end off here is just give you a little personal testimony of how having a verse of Scripture has really helped me in my life. One of the first Scripture verses I ever learned was Psalm 27:10. I was visiting my grandma, and my grandfather had passed away a couple of years earlier, and she mentioned that my grandpa's favorite psalm was Psalm 27. So I thought, oh, maybe I'll memorize that as sort of a little memorial to him. So I'm looking it up, and she said, you know, his favorite verse was verse 10. So I looked down, and I thought it was a horrible verse. There was a lot of nice verses in Psalm 27. Verse 10 wasn't one of them. It said, "When my father and my mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me."
[20:39] I thought, why did he like that one? She said, I don't know. So the years passed. I got married. We moved to Edmonton and had a little girl and a little boy, and I was expecting my third baby when I had a miscarriage at the 16-week mark, and the baby fit in the length of my hand. We could see that it was a little boy, and we were pretty sad for quite some time after that. So one day, I was lying on the bed and the sunlight was coming in through the lazy curtains, and I just said, you know, Lord, everyone says the baby's with You, and he probably is, but it would just be so nice to know from You instead of somebody just kind of well-meaning giving me their opinion. And without any warning, all of a sudden right up into my heart came, "Though my father and my mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me."
[21:28] And I thought, wow. You know, it's true. I did forsake my baby, not intentionally, but my body still did forsake the baby, and so it followed that the next part was just as true, that the Lord had received him. I was just sort of in shock that God had answered so clearly, so maybe I was pressing my luck, but I kind of said, and another thing. Romans 8:28 says, everything works together for the good of those who love God. I said, I don't know what the good is, but it had better be good because I'm in so much emotional pain right now. Well, it was that night, or maybe the next night, I went to a Bible study, and the Bible teacher actually said, have you ever wondered about Romans 8:28?
[22:14] You know how everything good works for the good of those who love God? Have you ever wondered what the good could be? I was like, yeah. And she said the verse, or the answer, sorry, is in the very next verse. Verse 29. That we might be conformed to the likeness of His Son. Oh. Christ's likeness. You become more like Jesus if you submit your experiences to God. It's like God was sitting back going, yeah, is that good enough for You? Yes. Yes, I can see there's quite a bit of difference between me and Jesus. That's going to take some work, Lord. Okay, still later, last story. In 2014, that verse came into my life a third time. My mom had just passed away, and my dad had passed away 15 years earlier, and so I was cleaning out Mom's house to sell, and I came across her old teacher's college yearbook and found her picture in it.
[23:12] It was from 1953, but I knew she had gone to teacher's college with her sister. My aunt's picture wasn't in there beside Mom, so I visited my aunt that afternoon, and I said, Aunt Norma, how come your picture isn't here with Mom? And she got all flustered, and I didn't realize, but I had stumbled on a big family secret. And she decided to tell me, and she told me that when my mom was 17, she had quietly dropped out of teacher's college, gone to visit her sister out west, and she had a baby. She had been pregnant when she started teacher's college at 17. So the amazing thing was that the baby's father was my father, so that it was a full brother who had been adopted out.
[24:00] So my grandfather was a farmer, but he was also the adult Sunday school teacher, so every Saturday night, he sat at his kitchen table, and he prepared a Sunday school lesson. And now, I want to ask you, do you think during that chaotic, heartbreaking time when his daughter came home pregnant, and they made the decision as a family for her to go out west and do their best by the baby that they could, and her, do you think that he might have come across Psalm 27:10, and that the Lord had assured his heart that the Lord would take care of that baby? I think it's very possible, because when my mom was in the hospice, Aunt Norma came to visit her and said, do you have any regrets? That's my mom on the right in the yellow blouse and Aunt Norma in the colored blouse.
[24:52] And she said, do you have regrets? Do you have anything bothering your conscience? And my mom said, nope. And she said, what about that baby that you gave up? My mom said, I left him in God's hands years ago. And so here was this beautiful truth that the Lord had received, this little baby that was being forsaken by his biological family, per se. That truth had comforted her for the last 60 years. Now, for those of you who know me, you know it is killing me to not tell you all these really awesome details, but I'm going to just cut to the chase and tell you, I actually was able to track down my older brother through the post-adoption registry, and he is the most wonderful older brother a girl could ever have.
[25:37] We have visited him out west, and he's come here to Moncton, and God has brought happiness and love out of a situation so many years ago that was sad and scary. And that is just one verse. That's one Bible verse, one awesome Bible verse, about God's faithfulness that reaches to us beyond even the closest of human relationships. So as you start to study more about God and discover His gentleness, His compassion, His love, His forgiveness, and you meditate on them, and you start making those new grooves in your brain and seeing who He really is with your new thought patterns based on truth, then those true thoughts of a God who loves us heal the wounds of the past.
[26:32] The true thoughts of a God who never leaves us or forsakes us give us courage for our present trials. Those true thoughts of a God who forgives our sins and our mistakes give us a freedom we've never known, and He loves us. Let verses of His love banish any thought that would say otherwise. What then shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all. How will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?
[27:19] Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus who died, more than that, who was raised to life, is at the right hand of God and is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No. In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us, for I am persuaded that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
[28:14] Amen. Let's pray together. Oh Lord, how could we thank You enough for Your love? This assurance that nothing can separate us from Your love, nothing. Thank You for that. Holy Spirit, thank You for being here but we really do want to get to know God in truth and Jesus in truth. And Jesus said that You would lead us into truth. So we're asking You to do that now, that You would reveal things about God that we've been believing but that they're not true and that You would show us what is true. Holy Spirit, we are asking that You open our eyes so we can see You in truth, that You open our ears so we can hear truth, that You open our hearts so we can understand truth and turn from things that aren't true and be saved.
[29:17] Know You, who You really are. Thank You for praying for us, Jesus, up at the right hand of the throne of God. Thank You, Holy Spirit, for praying for us. And thank You for this time we've had together today. In Jesus' name, Amen.