You Hurt My Feelings!
Joel Gorveatte · Tidal Church Moncton · March 13, 2022 · United We Stand series
Joel Gorveatte centres on Jesus' story of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18. He explains that holding onto hurt becomes bitterness that harms us, and that because Christ forgave us at great cost, we can give our pain to God and forgive others.
More from Joel Gorveatte · The United We Stand series
Topics: Grace, Forgiveness, Relationships
Transcript
[0:00] Now, the last few weeks, we've been in a new series called United We Stand, and the subtitle is Loving People Even When We Disagree, loving people even when we disagree. How many of you think that's a series we need to hear in our world today? Come on. Okay. Now, to get into what we're going to talk about today, which I think is essential. In fact, for some, maybe in faith right now, take my word for it. You might want to share this with people online or send it to somebody directly, because I believe that there are people through the Word of God, through the freedom of the Holy Spirit, who are going to receive bondage-breaking power today, through one of the most common areas where people get hung up in their spiritual faith, one of the most, one of the areas where Satan works the most strongly to bring destruction into the lives of not just people out in the world, but also into the lives of Christians. But to set that up, I want to start with kind of a funny, silly, little jokey story, okay? A Texas billionaire wanted a husband for his daughter.
[1:17] As an oil man, he wanted a son-in-law who would be brave and courageous, fearless and passionate, and so he called together the most eligible bachelors from across Texas and gathered them beside a swimming pool. In the pool, he had alligators and sharks and piranhas, and so he lined them all up along one side of this shark-infested alligator pool. And he said to them, I will give the hand of my daughter in marriage and all of the inheritance to my fortune to anyone brave enough to jump in and swim across to the other side of this shark-infested alligator pool. And all of a sudden, at that moment, a young man jumped in and started splashing and thrashing his way through alligators and sharks, and he made it to the other side and he crawled out onto the side of the pool, soaking wet. And the billionaire reached out to him and said, young man, I have never seen such bravery. Whatever you desire, just ask. I will give anything you want.
[2:34] And dripping wet, the young man said, the first thing I want is to know which guy over there pushed me in the pool. Oh, come on, come on, come on. But on a serious note, let me just ask you, how many of you have ever been pushed in the pool by somebody? Right? Someone who threw you to the sharks. Have you ever had anybody tell lies about you? Maybe you have experienced emotional or physical abuse. Maybe it was a friend who betrayed you or a parent who demoralized you or a boss who devalued you.
[3:26] We live in a world where we are constantly under attack and we walk through this world carrying the pains of the people who have hurt us. But here's what we're going to talk about today. You see, the greatest danger is not getting hurt by other people. Now, we think it is. We think the greatest danger is getting hurt by other people. We're so afraid of what others can do to us. But the greatest danger is not being hurt by others. The danger is when we hold onto that hurt rather than give it to God. Because here's what happens. Hebrews 12:15 says, "Watch out that no bitterness takes root among you.
[4:19] For as it springs up, it causes deep trouble, hurting many in their spiritual lives." See, the hurt that we hold onto becomes something called bitterness. And bitterness is toxic for our souls. And so here's what happens. Listen, here's what happens when somebody hurts you and you hold onto it and it becomes bitterness. What happens is what started as a pain inflicted upon you by someone else starts to become a pain that you are inflicting upon yourself because you're holding onto it and not giving it to God, the only one who can heal you.
[5:17] You see, here are a few of the things that bitterness can do to you. The effects of bitterness. Number one, health risks. Prevention magazine says, "When cardiac patients were asked to think back on something that made them angry, their heart's pumping efficiency dropped by 5%, meaning less oxygen goes to tissues that need it." The article says, "Since patients were recalling something from the past that made them simmer, it may be that carrying bitter baggage around could be burdening your physical heart." Number two, emotional bondage.
[6:04] Dr. Gerald Gympalski does seminars where he will ask the audience, how many of you have parents who you have not totally forgiven for something they did? And he says that 75% of you have not forgiven of people raised their hands. In divorced groups, he says that 75% admit that they are still angry with a former spouse. And he says anger ties you to your ex-spouse even if you marry someone else. And as long as you blame your parents for your problems, you never fully take charge of your own life. Number three, spiritual weakness.
[6:49] It makes us spiritually weak. The NIV translation of Hebrews 12:15 says, "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." The Bible says that literally bitterness can start to mess up your relationship with God, maybe even to the extent that we might miss out on the grace of God. And so when we hold on to this pain, not only does it bring internal risk and not only does it risk the horizontal dimension of life and our relationship with other people, it also affects the vertical dimension of our relationship with God. Here's how serious it is.
[7:49] In Mark 11:25, Jesus says, "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them so that your Father in heaven may forgive your sins." Is it possible that Jesus is saying that the pain you're holding onto may literally prevent God from hearing your prayers and forgiving your sin? I mean, if that's the case, then what we're going to talk about today could be one of the most powerful bondage- breaking moments of your life.
[8:39] And so what do we do about it when someone hurts you and causes you pain? Well, first, the Bible says, number one, deal with your anger quickly. Now, catch this. It is not necessarily a sin to be angry. Anger in and of itself is not so much the problem. It's what we do with that anger. And Ephesians 4:26 says, if you are angry, don't sin with your anger. Then by what? By nursing your grudge. Don't let the sun go down with you still angry. Get over it quickly. The Bible says one of the most important things we need to do is to deal with it quickly, to not let it build up. Maybe you need to go and talk with the person directly. Don't go gossiping around and telling everybody else about it.
[9:36] Maybe you need to go to the person directly. And maybe directly the two of you will be able to work it out and you can share how what they did made you feel. And wouldn't that be wonderful if everybody says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I apologize. Let's make it all right together." Not everybody's going to do that though, will they? And so even if they don't, the Bible says as far as it depends on you, do your best to live at peace with everybody. And when you've done what you can do, then guess what? Let it go. Let it go. Again, not my words, God's words. Number two, don't get stuck in the past. Isaiah 43:18-19 says, "Forget the former things. Do not dwell on the past.
[10:28] See, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up. Do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." There's a story of a guy who went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I'm losing my memory." And the doctor did some tests and said, "Well, there's a procedure we can do that might help, but in order to help your memory, we might end up impairing your eyesight. And so the choice is yours. Would you rather see or remember?" And the man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I will keep my eyesight." He said, "Because I would rather see where I'm going than remember where I've been."
[11:16] Oh, come on now. I'd rather see where I'm going than remember where I've been. Listen, listen. Scripture said, yes, we need to forget the past, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't learn from it. But here's the challenge. Here's the balance. Here's the tension. We need to learn from the past without getting stuck in the past. And that's the difference. You see, we must never let our bondage to the past blind us to our future. Whatever you do, don't let your bondage to the past blind you and bind you from the past. That's life, to be fair.
[12:03] Ecclesiastes 9:11 says, the fastest runner doesn't always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn't always win the battle. The wise sometimes go hungry, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy, and those who are educated don't always lead successful lives. The Bible says life is not always going to feel fair. Number four, don't expect perfection. Don't expect perfection. Let's read this one out loud together in Romans 3. Everybody here in the room, everybody at home, wherever you might be right now, if you're online, if you go ahead and read this out loud with us as well. Let's read this together out loud. Romans 3:23-24 says, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by His grace as a gift through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus." Now, let me see you raise your hand. Who here has ever made a mistake?
[13:09] Okay, those who didn't raise your hand, who here has ever lied? Who here has ever, let's see, who here has ever been selfish? Let me see you raise your hand. Who here has ever hurt another person? Maybe by mistake. Come on now, and here's what's crazy, and yet when someone does it to us, our response is generally, "How dare you mess up?" But we've all admitted that we're not perfect. It's part of being human, and it should not surprise us. In fact, we should expect that on a regular basis, other people will mess up, other people will offend us, and other people will hurt us.
[13:59] And so in the time we have left, here is one of the most powerful moments in the teaching of Jesus where Peter asks Jesus, "How many times should we forgive someone who hurts us?" And so in response, Jesus tells this story, Matthew 18:23-33. Jesus said, "Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him 10,000 talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
[14:55] The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him and canceled the debt and let him go. But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and he grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me,' he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me and I will pay you back.' But he refused. Instead he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went out and told their master everything that had happened, and then the master called the servant in.
[15:52] 'You wicked servant,' he said. 'You wicked servant, I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?'" See, in Christ I have received forgiveness, therefore in Christ I must give forgiveness to others. See, in Christ I have received grace, an unmerited favor that I do not deserve, and therefore in Christ I must give grace and unmerited favor to those who do not deserve it. And here's why forgiveness is so hard.
[16:50] We know this, and this is why we tend to struggle to forgive, and it's because forgiveness always costs me something. See, in the story that Jesus told, the servant was the one who did wrong. The servant was the one who owed the debt. The servant was the one who messed up. The king had done nothing wrong, and yet in forgiving, the king was the one who had to pay the price. That's why forgiveness is so hard, because in order to forgive, we have to give up three things. To forgive, I must give up, number one, my right to revenge. To forgive means I let them off the hook emotionally for what they have done. Now, when I say I let them off the hook emotionally, listen, that doesn't mean that there are no consequences.
[17:54] Sometimes I forgive someone, but because of their ongoing behavior, I forgive them. I let them off the hook emotionally, but there might need to still be some boundaries that I put up to prevent them from hurting me again, maybe. Or there may even be criminal consequences for what they've done. But the problem is, with forgiveness, our sense of justice says, "That's not fair. I can't just let them off the hook." But here's what we need to remember. Take comfort in this. When you let them off your hook, they are still on God's hook. Now, for some, we think of something like what's going on in Ukraine right now.
[18:43] And we think, "How could you forgive someone like Putin?" That's a hard one, isn't it? How can you forgive someone like Putin? We'll just wait a minute while we're waiting here. Well, see, the thing that we fail to remember is forgiveness is especially hard for someone who does not know and trust God because, remember, forgiveness often has consequences and boundaries, but I give up my right to revenge because here's what I come to understand. That just because I let them off my hook, God does not let them off His hook. And we serve a God of justice.
[19:46] Oh, hear me now. We serve a God of justice. And He is going to make things right in the end. And so when I forgive, I understand this, that God's justice is so much more powerful than any petty revenge that I could come up with. I'm not God. And I will let Him do His job. So I give up my right to revenge. I give up number two, my right to be repaid. My right to be repaid.
[20:34] Sometimes it means that I have to cancel the debt, maybe even in consequences, if God calls me to do so. And number three, I give up my right to remember. Now, remember here, my right to remember, just because I forgive doesn't mean that I'm automatically going to forget, right? Doesn't mean that I'm automatically going to forget. But here's what it means. When I do remember, when it comes back to my mind, I stop and say, "No, no, no, no, no. That doesn't belong to me anymore because I gave it to God. Now it's His problem." Amen. Now it's His problem. I'm going to give it to God and move on. And here's why this is so important. Here's why we do it.
[21:21] Because the cost of holding on to bitterness is greater than the cost of forgiving. Let's make no mistake. Forgiveness costs us a lot. It does. Make no mistake. Forgiveness comes at a great cost. But what we fail to remember, what Satan tries to trick us and convince us is that bitterness is worth holding on to because we can't afford forgiveness. But holding to bitterness is always so much greater than the cost of forgiving. And so the choice is mine. Which am I going to do? Am I going to hold on to this grudge and allow it to destroy me?
[22:08] Or am I going to give it to God and find freedom in Him? The choice is ours. And so Jesus is the one who ultimately shows us the choice, the cost of forgiveness. Romans chapter 5 verse 6 through 8 says, "When we were utterly helpless with no way of escape, Christ came at just the right time and died for us as sinners who had no use for Him. Even if we were good, we really wouldn't expect anyone to die for us. Though of course that might be barely possible, but God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners."
[22:59] That's how much it cost. Jesus died to pay the price for our forgiveness. And here is what the cost of that forgiveness looked like. Let me read this to you. Before they took Him to the cross on the day of His crucifixion, first they stripped Him of His clothing. Jesus's hands were bound high over His head with His chest pressed against a rough post and His back exposed for flogging. From either side, two Roman soldiers lashed His back and legs with the flagellum, a short whip designed for torture. The whip made of several braided leather thongs into which scraps of iron and metal and sharp pieces of bone were tied.
[23:57] The whip tearing into the underlying skeletal muscles, cutting ribbons of bleeding flesh. That's the punishment our sins deserve. And Jesus took our place to pay the price for our forgiveness. Romans called flogging the half -death because the purpose of flogging was to bring the prisoner as close to death as possible without killing him. After cutting Jesus's mangled body from the bloody post, the soldiers clothed Him with a mock robe and pushed a crown of thorns into Jesus's brow. Blood flowed down His forehead as the thorns pierced His scalp. They spit upon Him in contempt.
[24:50] And then Jesus was forced to carry the crossbar, weighing about 75 pounds from the scene of the flogging to the site of the execution. The cross was laid on the ground and Jesus was stretched upon it. That's the punishment our sins deserve. And Jesus took our place to pay the price for our forgiveness. And so the soldiers drove sharply tapered iron spikes about six inches long through Jesus's hands to nail Him to the beam. Four soldiers raised Jesus's body on the upright post and it dropped into a hole in the ground with a thud.
[25:37] Another spike in Jesus's feet were nailed to the cross. The goal of all of this was to produce a slow, agonizing death. Sometimes it took three or four days. It was common for vultures to peck at the rotting flesh of the living dead as they hung on the cross. That's the punishment our sins deserve, as Jesus died to take our place and pay the price for our forgiveness. The condemned hung by the arms until he needed to breathe. Then he pushed himself up and remained there until the pain in his feet, legs, and calves caused him to fall back down again.
[26:26] Eventually, the victim could no longer push himself up to breathe and the cause of death was asphyxiation. And yet, incredibly, at the very height of this torture, what did Jesus cry out? Do you remember the words of Jesus from the cross? He looked at these very people who had crucified Him, and what did Jesus said? He cried out, "Father, forgive them." How could He say such a thing? At the height of such agony, how could the words of Jesus on the cross be words of forgiveness for the very people who had persecuted Him? And it's because Jesus understood something that our world does not understand: that love and forgiveness are more powerful than hatred and bitterness.
[27:35] You see, after what Jesus did for me, for my forgiveness, how dare I withhold forgiveness from someone else? For me, an unworthy sinner, a wretch, a worm like me, after what Jesus did, how can I not forgive someone else? I want to ask, would you stand with me?
[28:29] And here's what we're gonna do. I'm just gonna ask if we sort of lower the lights as you bow your head and close your eyes. And I just want to give you some time to do some business with God, to see if He's speaking to you today. Maybe in the last few minutes He has been bringing a name to your mind of someone who hurt you. Or maybe even now in this moment or in the moment to come, a name or a face is going to come to your mind. And I would suggest it is possible, the reason that that name or that face is coming to mind right now is possibly because maybe God is letting you know that there's still something that you need to forgive. In fact, sometimes things that we give to God, we eventually have a tendency to take back.
[29:28] And maybe you did forgive years ago, but maybe in ways that you have not realized, it's creeped back in and is doing damage to your spiritual life. So I'm gonna give you just a moment now to think and pray and see if God brings anyone to your mind. Go ahead and listen to the voice of God now.
[30:18] And so I ask, are you ready to be set free by the power of forgiveness? Listen, here's what we're gonna do. In your heart right now, those names that have come to mind, if you're ready, if you're ready, silently right now in your heart, you don't have to say it out loud. In fact, if you would just keep it between you and God and right now, say those names in your heart to God as an act of giving them back to Him. Just list those names right now to God. Okay, now out loud, all around this room, as we find freedom together in Christ, let's pray this out loud together.
[31:14] Here's what I want to do. Everybody, if you would repeat after me, just again, you can keep your eyes closed and just this is between you and God, but we're gonna do it together as a spiritual community, as the family of God. Everybody, repeat after me and say, "Heavenly Father, I choose to forgive these people. These people hurt me, but they cannot hurt me anymore. I entrust them into Your hands. Lord, heal my wounds. Please, heal my scars. Thank You that Jesus died for me. In the name of Jesus, we pray.
[32:01] Amen." And Heavenly Father, right now, we pray for each and every person who right now made a declaration, a declaration to You. Lord, I thank You that You, by Your Spirit, Your Spirit works in us, Lord, You work in us and give us courage to be set free. And Lord, right now, I pray that those who maybe have had unseen chains and shackles that have held them in bondage right now, even this very moment, that spiritually, those chains are falling in the name of Jesus. And Lord, right now, for anyone who has not taken the ultimate step of forgiveness to surrender to You, for anyone here who has not given their life to Jesus, confessed their sin, repented, and declared faith in Jesus to be forgiven and become a child of God, right now, if that's you, wherever you are here in this room or with us online, right now, if you're ready to surrender to Jesus and find the ultimate freedom, right now, would you just in your heart say, "I confess my sin.
[33:16] I confess my sin." Tell Him that you're sorry, that you can see what you have done, that you want to turn around and go in a new direction. Tell Him right now in your heart, "I confess and I repent. I give it all to You." And why do we do it? Because of the cross. He paid the price for us. And so right now, as you picture Jesus on the cross, His death and His resurrection, right now, say, "I believe that Jesus died for me and I receive His gift of forgiveness." Right now, say, "Lord, forgive me. Lord, forgive me.
[34:05] I receive Your forgiveness," and then commit to follow Him. Now and for the rest of your life, just commit in your heart, say, "Lord, I want to follow Your word and follow Your ways." God, Lord, right now, for everybody who made that decision, for everyone who prayed that prayer of forgiveness and salvation, Lord, I pray that this would be the first step in a lifelong journey of what it means to know Jesus and an eternity in heaven with You. In the name of Jesus, we pray together. Amen.
[34:51] Amen. Amen. Now before we sing and declare our freedom together, our hope in Christ, here's what I want to do. I want to ask you if you want to testify today that you made a significant decision to forgive someone and be set free by letting it go and giving it to God. How many of you would raise your hand and say, "I think I made a significant decision to do that today"? All around this room, testify to your church family. Let's celebrate together. Amen. Come on now. And one more, one more. If today you walked in here not walking with Jesus and you confessed your sin and made a decision to follow Christ today, to receive His forgiveness, if you would have the courage to do this, we would love to celebrate with you and welcome you to the family of God. If that's you today and you say, "I prayed to receive Christ today," would you raise your hand somewhere around this room?
[35:53] We're looking around the room. Amen, amen. Anybody else, point them out to me. We have a couple, amen, up top as well. Anywhere on this side, praise the Lord. Keep it up, family of God. Let's say, "Amen." Now just a few minutes, if that's you, if you raised your hand, we're going to give you some next steps. But first, let's worship and give thanks as we declare the truth of our salvation in Christ.